Friday, November 18th, 2005
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1:01 pm
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Everything is going wrong. But when is it ever good? I hate the feeling I have. It is getting so fucken cold it sucks soooooooooo bad, snow and wind chill factor sucks PT in the fucken cold with my toes going numb, this is what I wake up for every morning. JUST loving it. I am so California dreaming just about now, I know its not hot or anything but compare to this dump it is great. Mix emotions of deploying to Afghanistan, the good news because of knee surgery omg 20 years old and knee surgery who would of thought? FUCK! I might not go this time around. Next goal for next year is to actually go through the Interrogator job and become an Arabic linguist and going to Air Assault depending on the knee, I got 9 months for a full recovery. But the truth is the Army has such great doctors, NOT! OMg I could rant and rave about this but I won't. There is so much shit about this Army that is just wonderful. Notice the sarcasm in my writting? The future seems so unclear but that is for everything so instead of crying about it like I always do I'm going to try to change me more then I have. I do I want to go home and see my friends and be crazy but with a fucken torn ACL and surgery I might be so upset that I'm on crutches again I'll cry.
current mood:  contemplative
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Saturday, October 1st, 2005
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5:06 pm
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Friday, July 29th, 2005
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12:02 pm
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another year a year older nothing really different just sucks not being with the ones you love.
I don't like this place. But maybe I'll like it later .
current mood:  crappy
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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Monday, July 11th, 2005
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5:25 pm
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After my 4 day ordeal to get back to this wonderful country. I am back and in NY. Not for long well Feb I am suppose to go somewhere that is not the U.S. But for now I am back. ALthough it is not back to the place I love it is good to be back in THE UNITED STATES!
Cell # if anyone wants to give me a call 315-771-5609
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(comment on this)
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Monday, June 20th, 2005
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8:09 am
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The confusion is overwhelming. I wish things were easy. I just wish I knew. Or I wish that I could be satisfied with the right choice. I know it is, but why do I always question it? Why is it that I am reminded of the what ifs when I see his name or when I think of long term? Sometimes I wish I was alone just so that this would all sink in. This is really retarded. Whatever happens happens. To other things I am so ready to get out of Korea. I am suppose to get back on the Jul6-10 time frame but I am kind of hopeing that it is later so that I can see Shari one more time. I know when she gets back to the states it would be easier to go visit her. I am quite nervous of going to Ft. Drum. I would have rather gone to Ft. Bragg but I didn't do much to get it and when I did try it was pointless. Well I have 2 more years left in the service. I can't wait till 2007. I will be a civilian again. I will be able to do whatever I want with my hair, nails, cloth, pierce my nose if I want. Go where ever I want when ever I want oh and the best part not having to deal with bull shit. Don't get me wrong serving my country is been great. But at what cost. I mean there is so many people that don't have to deal with the crap. I know I volunteered and that is the beauty of this country is that you choose to do what you want. YOu are not forced to do anything. But my expectations of the military where not met. Maybe it is this place or the great transition that the Army is going through because of this war. This war that seems to have no ending. This war that I don't want part in. But from the looks of where I will be stationed I will probably end up going. But who knows it is all up in the air. I don't make any sense I've been up since 04:30. I need sleep
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Friday, June 10th, 2005
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9:39 am - what is going on
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I am so shocked to know that he killed himself. HE seemed so in tact, that there was no worry in the world for him. He was a good NCO had everything together in work, and seemed okay. So here I stand baffled like so many others as to why he did it. I am aware that it is really hard to be in the military, away from your family and what you are use to and the pressures of work and having to have everything right. But what would make a man that looked so together, a really good soldier just take his life? Where were the warning sings? It is crazy how we can easily deceive people into thinking that we are okay when inside we are actually dying. I hope that his family will be okay. That his soul rests in peace. I pray for him and his family.
I am so shocked.
To change the subject I am finally going to have time off. 8 days! Elva is on her way here tomorrow. Crazy! I am really excited. I am also so happy because in less then a month I will be going back to the states. I will be leaving TDC and going to Seoul to pick her up. I miss my friends and family a lot.
Well kids that is it
bye
current mood:  numb
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Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
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10:23 am - errrrrrrrr
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So here it is. The moment that I will find out what is going to happen. I really am hopeing for the best. I doubt anything good is going to come out of this. I am terrified and it sucks that I am such a weak person and let it get this far. I hope it is good and that everything will go okay. I don't know why I act like I don't know what the outcome is going to be. I guess there is part of me that wants to be hopeful. Is that asking for to much?
current mood:  scared
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Monday, May 16th, 2005
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4:31 pm
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I have a month and a half left in country. Elva will be here from June 10-18. So that will be great. I am super excited!
COnfused ass all hell. I don't know what the hell I am feeling right now. I don't know what it is. I wish I knew. I wish things were not so complicated. I feel as though it is so much all at once. I mean how to react to the events that have just occured over the past few months.
I feel so bad and down lately. I don't know how it will be going back to the states in July. I don't know what will happen with Greg and I? I do care for him and love him but in the back of my head i think of the what ifs with Chris. I am a horrible person. I just wish things were so easy. I don't know what to expect in NY but cold and then couple of month and a rotation to the sand box. FUCK whatever I can't wait to get out of the military.
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Friday, April 29th, 2005
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4:06 pm
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Sunday, April 24th, 2005
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10:54 am - sunday .....
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How I long for a vacation a break away from this place. It really isn't that bad it is just time consuming at times. Last week our Chaplain and a lot of people in our battalion visited an Orphanage near our post. I had a great time. The children are so awesome and cute and so full of energy and so willing to get to know you and play with you. It just saddens me to know that people can leave their children just like that. I had two little girls hold on to me and not want to let me go, they took me every where. One little girl showed me how she could play the piano. It was really fun but I left wishing I could do so much more for them. I wanted to take one of the little girls home with me. To other events in my life in korea... I have not talked to any of my friends or my mom in weeks. That is so bad but I don't have time and when I do have time it is like 1 or 2 in the morning in the states. I started to run 5 miles everyday. I am trying to get in good shape for Airborne school. But who knows what is going to happen. The only thing I know now is that I am going to go to NY. I am thinking of going to Thailand for a 4 days I hope I am able to get that time off. Four days is not asking for much is it?
current mood: anxious
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Wednesday, April 20th, 2005
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1:47 pm
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Wednesday, April 13th, 2005
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7:22 am - Friends
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So lately everything has been hectic at work. No big deal, free time is in a sense non existant. Greg keeps me sane and happy. He is so great. But to other things that I have recently been thinking about is Friends the random things that pop in my head about certain people....
Dancing my ass of in Disneyland with MIck
Singing at the top of my lungs down PCH with ZACK
Singing at the top of my lungs down culver Blvd at 1 in the morning with Marysol
My first mad session at Elvas house and all the pasta we ate afterwords
Quesadias at Elvas house with Mike NEmis R.I.P
Girl talk with Courtney till god knows what time.
Courtney writting me while I was at basic was really sweet
Zack also writting me and sending me pics. That meant alot
Fun times at Randalls house with COurt omg that was a gnarly piece
Mikey, Lorena, BRian and me at IN and OUT in the middle of god knows where so gone.
Mikey, Brook, Brian road trip to SF and SC omg!
COp pulling Brian over for speeding on the way up to SF.
Great talks on the beach with Brian and pretending we were going to jog just to quit after five minutes.
Titos
Great conversations with Lorena
Staying late every night and not waking up till noon with Mayra
Singing superman down lincoln Blvd with Mayra
Carl and his great sense of awesomeness that he has
Talking and having such a great time at Nicks house with JOsh
Josh, Brian,and Mayra at Carls JR across the st from my hotel hanging out with me before I left to korea
THe piece i still own that josh gave me.
Jessica and the awesome drives we had
Kenya and her great sense of spirit
Lorena and I dressed up to eat dinner with Kenya and Big MIKE!
BIG MIKE AT COFFEE BEAN love ya guy
Shari in Korea with me and singing and being silly in seoul MAtt too!
There is more but that is all kids.
current mood:  amused
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Wednesday, April 6th, 2005
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8:04 pm - UP IN THE AIR
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SO here it goes. I am either going to spend the next two years freezing my ass off at FT.DRUM NY! Or when I get there as soon as I am there get ready to Deploy to the sand box.
Or if I am lucky I will get what I want and go Airborne. I have my physical the 15th. But as far as I am concerned it is all up in the air FUCK!
current mood:  cranky
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, April 3rd, 2005
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9:24 am
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There are those who get second chances and live life by carelessly.
I on the other hand feel like the unluckiest person ever.
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(comment on this)
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Monday, March 28th, 2005
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7:04 am - Good Sunday
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This weekend started out alright. I was so glad that I didn't have to go to work for once. SaturdayI didn't do much but wake up really late 11:20 take a shower go to the USO to get the application for Elva to come here and I also went to the commissary. I got back and read and just chilled. Greg was busy working so I didn't get to spend time with him until later that night. We went to our fav place in TDC the only really okay area of this place and had some good food. Shari called me and I was not sure if she was going to have time to hang out. We made plans to meet Sunday in Yongsan. I was so excited to get to see her. So I woke up really early which I hate to do because I wake up early everyday so I try not to wake up early when ever possible. I got to Yongsan around 12:00 met up with her, Cristina and some of her other friends that were here. We ended up going to Itawon and just shopping. We also went to the War Museum. I liked the sculptures and we were being silly it was great. Shari still looked the same since the last time I saw her. She is so awesome and looked really beautiful. SHe is so funny and my partner in being FAT KIDS FOR LIFE! Cristina also looked so beautiful like always. The thing that kind of weirded me out was having Greg around because of Chris and I thought of Chris because well being around Shari made me think of him. I felt horrible about that. But I got over it and enjoyed myself with Greg and everyone. Greg had to go work for the "bitch". We later met up with Matt (buddy from basic one of my fellow catholic buddies was . I was so happy to see him it's been awhile. SO we headed on an adventure to walk around Seoul we ended up at the Electronic store which wasn't that great. We were going to go to Seoul tower but that didn't end up working out so we headed in search for bars we ended up in my fav place in Seoul. We went karaoke singing and had a blast. It was a great weekend and I really enjoyed myself very much
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Saturday, March 26th, 2005
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1:06 am - What the hell
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First weekend in a long time that I did not have to work. I feel drained and quite sick of everything. I feel like the joy I once had is gone. I also feel like this was a huge mistake. I hate feeling this way but I can't help it. I contemplate everything in my head over and over again. The same shit always seems to pop up. The truth is that hey it needs to be let go of. I pretty much deal with things well but there comes those days when I just indulge in the most stupid thoughts. I also found out that someone I do not like is remarried. The thing is his new wife has a little girl. The thoughts that just come to mind are not great and I wish I could do something. But I feel useless. I feel like I am stuck in one place and everything around me is going great. But whatever. I guess it is just one of those errrr days. I really can't wait to go home.
Elva is going to be here in May and that should be fun. Shari and I are going to hang out tomorrow so I am so excited. But I can't wait to go home and hang out with great friends in California. Even though I haven't talked to one in particular. I've tried but it seems like I can never get ahold of her and I wish I could. I really think about her a lot and I wonder how everything in her life is going. I have no clue and I don't like that. I know she feels like she has no one but I guess in a sense I haven't tried hard enough. I am also so happy with Greg he is so awesome. We are so great and I am so happy he is in my life.
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Wednesday, March 16th, 2005
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9:39 pm - 50 Cal range waste of time
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I'd take over North Korea myself if I could get some hot wings my mom makes"
PFC BULLARD
OVER WORKED AND UNDER PAID!!!!!
current mood:  tired
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(comment on this)
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Saturday, March 12th, 2005
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1:54 pm - Lady in red
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Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
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7:11 pm - so many thoughts..........
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I have 120 days left in this country.
Sounds hell of crazy. It seems like I've been here forever but at the same time it feels as though I haven't even been here for a long time.
I am excited to get out of here, but at the same time I am scared. I don't know where I am going to end up. I would love to get Bragg for so many reasons. But I don't know if that is even going to happen and what if what I want to do there is not going to happen. So I figure Germany would be great but I don't know.
To other things, I am thinking about Greg and how things will end up. I don't know? But I do know that he is great. He is such a good friend and more. I think that is what makes our relationship so great. But I know I am scared of letting him in. I know that is bad but I can't help but have a bit of restrain.
Shari is coming here and I am so excited to see her. Wow its been awhile.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but I am so out of it and the uncertainty of life is a killer.
Whatever happened to the simple plans and expectations. They have gone out the window and all that is left is bull shit, and the expectations that I once had are now a blur.
current mood: crushed
current music: fool shakira
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Friday, March 4th, 2005
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3:31 pm
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I really can't wait to see Shari. I think I am more excited then she is but its cool.
I can't wait for May. Elva is coming over here. OMG we are going to have so much fun. I miss her so much and I cant wait to show her Korea.
TOday was pay day activities and I should be singing up for classes, but I feel a sense of melancholy taken over me. I really do need to go home. But I don't know why I don't. WEll the huge reason is I don't know if I will be able to. I don't know all kinds of distorted thoughts in my head.
current mood: cynical
current music: sleep together garbage
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sprinklesldbr's journal